Logistics
by MermaidMidna
Summary: 'Well at least our month of failed intimacy attempts brought to life every possible potential problem.' Dan and Blair try to consummate their relationship. Key word: try.


1

"Say it again."

"Dan. Mmm. Dan…"

This is more than a kiss. It's everything he's wanted to say in the past year bundled into the melding of tongues, the entanglement of fingers in hair, and the soft, breathy noises that expel from their mouths because words just aren't enough.

He doesn't know how they end up on the couch or how he's even still breathing, really, because this cannot be his life. He's pinned beneath Blair's tiny body, his head against the armrest at the strangest angle, but he couldn't care less. Her hands are running all over his chest and his hands are on her butt, and they're going to have a problem in a second if she doesn't stop wriggling.

"Mmm, Dan," she mumbles again, her hips grinding against his. He bites down on her bottom lip and digs his fingers into her back to keep himself together. "_Dan!" _she gasps out, and suddenly they're wearing too many clothes.

"Blair…" He fumbles for the zipper on her dress, and she briefly takes one hand off of his chest to guide it to her zipper before tugging forcibly on his collar and crashing her lips into his again. Soon his shirt and her dress have been discarded on the floor, and he is filled with desire, his skin burning against hers.

Everything comes to a halt, however, when a loud BOOM resounds throughout the room and he hears his dad's voice shout out "Dan?"

Blair squeals, rolling off of him and gathering her coat up off the floor, clutching it to her chest. He whips his head around, glancing towards the door as Rufus and Lily walk in with suitcases in hand, looking just as astonished as he is.

Blair wraps her coat around her hastily, whispers, "I'll call you later" into his ear, kisses his cheek, and runs for the door. She nods at his dad and Lily and takes off, leaving her dress and her scent lingering in the air.

"So, son, what was _that_ about?"his dad asks, a smirk playing at the corners of his lips.

Dan burrows his face into the crook of the couch.

2

She doesn't call him until 3 days after Lily and Rufus walk in on them. He, admittedly, gets a little worried, thinking maybe they took things too far too quickly. But he also knows that she has to be inconspicuous as her divorce still isn't finalized.

When she does call, he answers his phone on the second ring, breathing out her name.

"I missed you," she announces sweetly. "Come over?"

"I'll be there in 20."

When he gets to her penthouse, he is greeted by the unfamiliar face of a middle-aged woman with blonde, curly hair and cocked eyebrows that make her look as if she's permanently confused.

"You Mr. Humphrey?" she asks, placing her hands on her hips and looking him up and down. "You are less handsome than Miss. Waldorf tells me. You have bush growing on your head."

"Thanks," he says shortly, not particularly in the mood to deal with this woman today. "I'll see myself up to her room."

He opens the door to Blair's room and she hurries over to him, throwing her arms around his neck and kissing him on the lips.

"What a greeting," he says as she pulls away. "Much nicer than the one your new housekeeper gave me."

Blair wrinkles her nose, clearly expressing her own distaste. "She's only here until Dorota's pregnancy leave is over. I call her Creeper 2.0, in the form of a Swedish housekeeper."

He pretends to shudder, and she giggles, her hands coming to rest on his chest.

"Listen, about the other day… Dan, I… I sort of want to take things slower than that," she says, and he can do nothing but smile at her, his hands finding her waist. It's like they share the same thoughts sometimes.

"I think that's… good. It was in the heat of the moment. Not to say it wasn't _amazing_, because it was, but I agree. We shouldn't rush into things."

She smiles back at him. "Want to watch a movie?"

He nods.

_Roman Holiday_ is playing in the background as Dan makes out with Blair on her bed, much more comfortable than he was the other day. She teasingly runs her hand up under his shirt, practically purring against his lips. When her hand finds his belt buckle, however, he recoils, his eyes widening.

"I thought you said you wanted to take things slow?" he asks, but her hands are still working at his pants as she leans in to suck on his neck.

"That was then. This… is now," she murmurs, successfully getting his pants undone and pushed down, starting to work on her skirt and stockings.

He chuckles, not about to protest.

They both get down to their underwear and he whispers in her ear, telling her how beautiful she is. She straddles him, taking his face in her hands and kissing him deeply.

When she pulls away, she's giving him a smile that he's never seen aimed in his direction before. "Dan Humphrey, you are the most wonder-"

The door to her room bangs open and he yelps, throwing the covers overtop of them.

"Miss. Waldorf, I am so sorry!" the fill-in housekeeper exclaims, covering her eyes. "I just come here to see if you want dessert!"

"Leave, Agnes! Get out!" Blair yells, and the other woman scampers away, closing the door behind her.

Blair's head falls onto his shoulder, and she whimpers as if she can hardly believe what just happened.

"Twice in one week, Humphrey. We should learn how to lock a door."

"We should learn how to take it slow."

They both erupt into laughter.

He spends the night at her house. Nothing more happens. Except for her falling asleep in his arms.

3

"It's stuck."

"What do you mean 'it's stuck'? Use your hands, Humphrey. You're good at that. I'm sure you've unzipped plenty of problematic bargain basement dresses. A Prabal of such quality should be no problem for you."

They've reached their third attempt to consummate their relationship after one of Penelope's parties for god-knows-what. Lord knows he wasn't paying attention as Blair kept shooting him suggestive looks from across the room. They wind up at the loft afterwards, this time in his room.

"I can't get it, Blair." He tugs at the zipper of her expensive dress but it won't go any further than her waist.

She frowns, brushing his hand out of the way as she tries to unzip herself. "Perhaps it just needs a woman's touch. Hold still for a moment."

"You're driving me crazy."

She kicks his leg lightly. "I haven't lost feeling in my lower body. I can tell."

He rolls his eyes. "Now is really not the time for banter."

"Ah, it seems your thrift store threads have gotten caught in the teeth of my zipper," she observes, looking as if she discovered gravity rather than a string attached to her dress.

"Well isn't that just great."

She tries to rip the thread out but to no avail. "It won't budge."

"Use your hands, Waldorf. You're good at that."

He tries to step away from her but takes her right along with him, her head bumping into his chest. "Ow! Stop moving!"

"I'm sorry. I guess I've just grown attached to you."

Her mouth falls agape as she looks at him incredulously. "That was, by far, the cheesiest line I have ever heard in my life. The mood is officially killed."

He shakes his head. "The mood was killed long before my corny pun, admit it."

She sighs, silently relinquishing to the fact that he is right.

"Think we can make it to the kitchen together and find some scissors?"

4

This is it. Dan's dad and Lily have gone out for the night, and they have the loft all to themselves. They've made it past the unzipping, the undressing, and the majority of the foreplay when she realizes something.

"Dan, do you have a condom?"

He bites his bottom lip and looks over towards his dresser which seems ridiculously far away at the moment. He nods, climbing over her and off the bed. She watches him take two quick steps, watches his feet get entangled in the pile of their clothes on the floor, watches as he soars through the air and crashes headfirst into his dresser.

"Ow! Son of a-"

Her hands fly up to her mouth as she gasps. "Dan! Are you alright?"

"No! I… I'm practically naked and I just tripped over thin air and I think I might be bleeding a little bit."

"Oh, Dan."

She clambers out of his bed and rushes over to him, smoothing his hair back off his forehead and holding his back with her other hand. "No blood, just a big bump," she remarks. He winces as she runs her fingers over his scalp.

"What if I have a concussion?"

She props herself up on her knees, leaning in to give him a kiss on the top of his head. "All better," she says, crouching back down to kiss his ear, his cheek, his jaw.

"I'm still feeling a little dizzy."

She knows something is truly wrong when he doesn't respond to that place on his neck that she likes to pay special attention to.

"Maybe you should take it easy then." She tries to keep the frustration out of her voice, but this is the one night they had alone together, and it was just ruined because her boyfriend somehow managed to give himself a concussion while getting up to grab condoms. _Only Dan Humphrey._

"I'm sorry," he voices, and it's so sincere that it makes her heart break a bit. "I ruined everything. I always ruin-"

"Shh," she says comfortingly. "It just wasn't meant to be. Not today, anyway. Let's get a pack of ice on that bump and see if we can lower it a bit."

"Which bump?" he jokes, and she has half a mind to slap him if she weren't worried about damaging his head even further.

5

They fall asleep in her bed while watching some modern chick-flick, only waking when the sun shines brightly through her window.

She sits up, yawning and feeling strange for having fallen asleep in her clothes. She tries to run a hand through her hair but her fingers get stuck.

"Psst," she hisses, shaking Dan a little to stir him. "I'm going to take a shower."

He blinks, nodding his head in understanding. She kisses his temple before asking, "Want to join me?"

He's never woken up so quickly in his entire life.

Seeing Blair in her underwear and seeing Blair stark naked are two completely different things. He can't help but stare at her as she undresses, peeling off layer by layer until all that's left is skin, beautiful, glowing skin. He kisses her shoulder and moves his hands over her, and she shivers at his touch, lovely little goose bumps forming on her arms.

"Can't you at least wait until we're in the shower, Humphrey?" she asks breathily, her eyelids fluttering closed as he continues to explore her body. "Take off your clothes. It's only fair," she objects, hopping into the shower and leaving him alone to undress.

He gets down to his boxers, ready to pull them off and join his girlfriend, when the door to the bathroom creaks open and Serena steps in, shrieking when she sees him.

"DAN? What? What're you-" She stops short when Blair pokes her head out of the shower looking concerned.

"Serena." She frowns, highly disappointed.

"Ew, oh god," Serena blanches, looking as if she might throw up. "You two… I'm sorry. I'll just get out of your way." The blonde opens the door and retreats to her room as quickly as her long legs can carry her.

Dan's face glows bright red and Blair can't help but laugh. "Why are you embarrassed? Nothing she hasn't seen before."

"I hate you," he says, grinning.

"Don't lie. You love me."

He shakes his head, still smiling, as he exits the bathroom, too embarrassed to resume their prior activities. He doesn't say he loves her out loud, not yet.

But she's never spoken truer words.

* * *

><p><em>Please review if you have the time! It would mean the world to me!<em>


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